Category Archives: Dating, courtship & extramarital relationships

Ugandan man faces deportation after ‘failing to prove he’s gay’

(reposted from https://uk.yahoo.com/news/ugandan-man-faces-deportation-failing-183748159.html. English govt is going batshit mad – again)

Continue reading Ugandan man faces deportation after ‘failing to prove he’s gay’

Why don’t ‘black’ couples show affection to each other?

This Sunday gone (21/08/2016) I went to Aunt Jean’s Afrikan Culture Market. Most of it consisted of speakers raising issues about building up the ‘black’ community*. Two of the speakers brought up something they personally witnessed: an interracial couple (‘black’ man-‘white’ woman) walking down the street, holding hands, kissing, smiling, and just unable to get enough of each other. A few seconds later came a ‘black’ couple, but according to one speaker you wouldn’t have known they were a couple. She was making sure to walk ahead of him, they weren’t holding hands, kissing, not even smiling at each other. Nothing!

* On a side note, everyone seemed to agree there was a general lack of “manly identity” among us. I’ll go into that in another post. 

According to them there’s a palpable lack of affection between ‘black’ men and women – and pride! We’re proud of not being lovey-dovey toward each other! My now ex-girlfriend confirmed exactly the same thing back in her country. It’s like Africans, men & women alike, are too tough (read: cowardly) to express genuine emotion.

This begged the question in my mind: WHY?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? Some answers came to mind.

Number 1 – Christianity. Not exactly the most affection-friendly religion out there, what with all the “original sin” and even “marital sex is a necessary evil” doctrines.

Number 2 – It doesn’t match our image of being strong. We’ve bought into the typical dichotomy of strong vs. loving, when it may be more helpful to think of loving as another expression of strength.

Number 3 – Internalisation of the stereotype of lacking emotion, especially men. Because we see it in films, TV shows, music videos (especially modern rap), Youtube vids and like so often we identify with it.

Number 4 – A lot of Africans (pre-colonial that is) come from cultures where intimacy and affection aren’t celebrated. Men and women are expected to just carry on with life as normal, perform their gender roles and done.

Number 5 – Most of us, especially the younger generations at present, don’t trust each other. Women think men are out to bang everything that moves, and men think women are constantly trying to rob the blood from their veins!

Number 6 – ‘White’ people don’t like ‘black’ affection. Deep down ‘whites’ are genuinely disgusted at the prospect of us loving each other, because it implies solidarity and any public solidarity is taken as an act of aggression. Not to mention the current media focus on interracial relationships, implying love can’t exist among our own. Many of us, again especially men, believe it.

This is why ‘black’ love really is a revolutionary act.

Number 7 – We’re English.

But all this moaning gives me a good excuse to lay on more beautiful pics!

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Especially amazing considering this!

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Connection monologue

Partly inspired by DalitNation.com.

What can I do about it? Nothing now, the past is the past. But the past has a way of lingering in the present, doesn’t it? Laxmi Soundararajan, what have you done?

Have to make sure no-one finds out! Keyo will have to keep his mouth shut. Oh, he’s not from our clan, our tribe, our country, even our continent! Why did I have to fall for him? I’m already the lowest of the low! At the merciless mercy of the aunties’ ever-watching eyes and ever-judging tongues, the uncles’ leers and wayward hands, the young boys’ simultaneous hatred and fetishising of me.

Me, whose only hope of success is after this life if I do my dharma, accept my lot, and stay within my kind…

God, I’m blabbing to myself – out loud. Am I going mad? Oh Brahman, I hope no-one’s hearing me! I’m already dark, fat, Dalit, female and infatuated with a Gambian man! I don’t need to be mad on top of that like Mother! Good, Keyo’s still asleep.

Mother. Those scars. Those hideous acid scars…

I can’t relive that agony! How will I get out of this? Even if Keyo does keep schtum and agrees to stop meeting me in public places – never going to happen ‘cause he’s always the centre of attention – what if someone already saw us?

What if someone’s preparing the acid right now? Or gasoline? Or running to tell Dad? Oh no, his honour! I’ve ruined his honour irreparably!

What about my karma? Lord Brahman, I beg you! Never have I shamed myself before, never have I sinned before. If You get me out of this alive and well, I’ll never do this again! I’ll even dump Keyo if…

That’s it! That’s the only way out.

But… do I really want to?

© ONE TAWNY STRANGER, MAY 2016

REPOST: Your Superficial Ass DESERVES To Be Single

(reposted from http://www.thisisyourconscience.com/2013/12/your-superficial-ass-deserves-to-be-single/, 25th December 2013)

Your Superficial Ass DESERVES To Be Single

By  on 12/16/2013@lincolnablades

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When it comes to sex and dating, I am shamelessly superficial and I will NOT apologize for it all. Now this doesn’t mean that I have absolutely zero intellectual interest in women because it’s quite the opposite, as I NEED a woman with real mental depth of thought. In fact, I often refer to myself as a superficial sapiosexual because I believe mental AND visual attraction must be present for me in order to find a woman sexually attractive. But after a few conversations with some friends this past weekend, I’m starting to realize that there is more than one way to be superficial.

See, my superficiality is completely inward in the sense that I want to date and smash a woman I feel is sexy as hell, and whom I feel is absolutely beautiful. I want a woman who has an ass that I feel is amazing, and who has tig ol’ bitties that turn ME on. But all superficiality is not about inward desires, because there’s a whole gang of people out there who base the quality of their partner on society’s superficial concerns. These are the outwardly superficial men who date women based on what the majority of people in our society would DEEM to be beautiful, and the women who date men based on what other people DEEM to be handsome. This might seem like a ridiculous ideology to you, but the truth is that a lot of men and women are single as HELL today because they haven’t found someone “socially superficially acceptable”.

I have a single homegirl who is in her early-to-mid 30′s and we frequently talk about relationships, especially since I know starting a family is one of her goals. When we talk about her love life, I notice that she does NOT have a shortage of eligible suitors and finding a date is the last of her problems (very accomplished and gorgeous woman), but remaining in a healthy relationship is difficult for her. Whenever shit goes south between her and some dude, she always gives me a list of reasons why things weren’t “meant” to work out, but after a long-ass talk this weekend, I realized that most of her problems are self-created.

She meets and dates a lot of great dudes because she’s always open to going out with a man and getting a free meal (I’m not even gonna comment on that today), and she admits to enjoying the time she spends with these guys – but she also has a type. She wants him to be at least 6’2 (her HEEL height), he must have a well defined six pack and she wants him to be handsome. Now, as a superficial man, I can’t call her out for doing the same thing that I do, but after further investigation we BOTH realized that we had completely different motivations behind our skin-deep attractions.She basically admitted that she can’t she herself with a man that other people can’t see her with.So while she’s met more than enough relationship-worthy men, she hasn’t met a dude that she could confidently walk down the streets with in a manner that would make OTHER people praise the dude she was with. Either they weren’t tall enough, ripped enough, or cute enough to LOOK like an “equal” match for her.

Look how mutually attractive they are to everybody - they MUST be a happy couple.

Look how mutually attractive they are to everybody – they MUST be a happy couple.

Now normally, this would be the part of the conversation where I go the FUCK in on her and call her out for being stupid, but her confession made me more sad than annoyed. The fact that she’s so intent on finding a man that appeases society’s ideals of who a tall, beautiful, professional woman should date instead of either being inwardly superficial or NOT superficial at all is downright pitiful. And to think, the same people who define her thoughts on the “perfect man” are also the same people who may have found their own happiness by not listening to what anyone else thinks.

And it’s this outward superficiality that leads both men and women to making STUPID-ASS decisions on who to date. That’s why there are men out here who don’t want to date a woman if her skin is too dark, or if her natural hair is too kinky. It’s not because they don’t possess the ability to find any allure in her features, it’s because their outwardly superficial desires are so rigidly aligned with the dominant westernized image of beauty that they can’t create their own standard of attraction.

I’ve said it once, but I will say it again: Being superficial is NOT a bad thing, because 95% of us are superficial in some way when it comes to dating, but identifying the driving factor behind your superficiality is of the utmost importance.

This Is Your Conscience

– See more at: http://www.thisisyourconscience.com/2013/12/your-superficial-ass-deserves-to-be-single/#sthash.A5OeHPAR.dpuf