Tag Archives: england

The big aftermath

(This is a continuation of The Big News. I wasn’t originally planning on writing it, but I feel it’s important to really give readers a fuller perspective on how I think about stuff, especially family relationships & parenthood)

It’s now been 2 years and 7 and a half months since I became murtadd (ex-muslim). It’s still one of the best decisions I’ve ever made for myself. At the same time, not all consequences of that decision have been positive.

The most dramatic consequence to date is I WAS MADE HOMELESS. Yes, that was directly because I told my mother about my apostasy. I didn’t tell her straight away, because I was building up the courage and still getting used to it myself! I had no intention of keeping it hidden forever though, because that’s the coward’s way.

It took about a year, and as I expected she didn’t take it well at all. Here’s a list of the things that happened as a result:

  • She stopped speaking to me – while we were under the same roof. The only communication we had was her telling me to move out, and loads of shouting. It got so bad that if she’d gotten physically violent or threatened it (which I believe she would have), I would’ve defended myself by any means necessary. Any.

Oh, another thing I should mention is I have an autistic younger brother. Even though his autism is severe enough that he still can’t say full sentences (he’s 25), I’m certain he understood the intensity of the conflicts even if he didn’t understand what they were about. I’ve always felt he’s been severely underestimated his entire life. Apart from the fact that I only retaliate not initiate violence, I also knew that mum is his only means of support which is why I held back at all.

  • She stopped respecting my privacy. She read my diary – which she never used to do before.
  • She started throwing my belongings away. That’s when I made a conscious decision. When I get myself properly settled I would steal mum’s Qur’an & ahadiyth collection, because I knew that’s what she treasured most. And I’ve done it.
  • She forbade me from eating any food I didn’t buy myself. That’s when my eating habits became seriously disturbed; I went down to only eating 1 meal & 1 snack a day. Even now I still don’t eat as much as my body needs.
  • She dismantled my bed. This meant I had only the living room floor to sleep on. My sleeping patterns became seriously disturbed as a result; I had to wake up to use the toilet literally every single night. I didn’t have even one unbroken night’s sleep in all that time.
  • Something that did surprise me is how Pakistani mum really is (behaviourally. She’s of ‘black’ Jamaican background). In all the time I lived with her, I never knew her to care what other people thought or said about her. Even having my autistic brother wasn’t an issue (& I know for some parents it is. They’d be too ashamed to let the kid see light of day!). Once I told her and my ex-stepdad of my irtidad that completely changed. She begged/ threatened me to never tell anyone in the local community. I know that’s a Sasian thing because the area we lived in was predominantly Pakistani, and they’re really up themselves about honour, shame, all that fuckery. I replied I wouldn’t tell anyone UNLESS THEY ASKED.
  • I became suicidal. There was a day I had a knife to my throat and was ready to slit it, but it was only the thought of my gf that stopped me. To this day she doesn’t even know.
  • Months before I got properly kicked out, I went to the local social services to get rehoused. As you know, the social housing sector is pointlessly slow. Part of the reason is they take the piss. I told them the whole thing (including the suicidal tendencies), and they didn’t believe me. At one point they tried to turn me away because I didn’t bring my passport with me, even though they’d met me before and knew I was a British native! Not to mention that I wasn’t a priority because I was otherwise healthy, non-disabled, heterosexual, single, male, under the age of 35, and with no history of drug/ booze use let alone abuse.

Yes, suicide is considered a non-priority by the English social services. In that case I hope they do us all a favour and top themselves.

  • After she kicked me out (in writing), I lived in a hostel. I found it myself after loads of referrals from other services and searches. I was there for 4 months. It’s telling that the other tenants were almost all African immigrants. But they were never the problem. The vast majority of them I got on very well with, and I still speak to them to this day. The main problem was the landlord (Pakistani Christian), cook (Sasian, once gave me rotten fruit and refused to apologise) and housing coach (‘white’, and useless as shit), plus the “responsible tenant” who was there to keep an eye on us (house n***** who hogged the washing machine). So yeah, England is still racially segregated.

However, after 2 months in the hostel I found out about Crisis. It’s a charity dedicated to helping homeless single people secure private accommodation, as well as help with benefits, employment, etc. if they need it. Yes they found me a place. YAY!!!

At various points mum has tried to contact me again wanting to meet my girlfriend. Fortunately I’d made her fully aware of everything, so my gf refused to meet her. Just as well; I didn’t want them to meet! I honestly believe she’d have been in physical danger. Why? She’s exactly the opposite of the kind of woman mum wanted me to have: non-Muslim & from a certain Wafrican country that Jamaicans often hate. Plus it’s likely mum would’ve tried to blame her for my apostasy, completely ignoring that I apostatised before I even met her. I love my gf too much to put her in that level of danger.

Why did I not tell other family members? I have loads. Because they most likely wouldn’t have believed me; mum’s always been the sensible level-headed “good girl” among her siblings. Also, it wouldn’t have helped; my family members have always been very slow to help each other. Furthermore, being the only Muslims in the family made us the odd ones out. Though we were respected and seen as “good”, I’ve always noticed a certain reservedness everyone displays toward practicing Muslims. Even the one member I told didn’t believe I could “just give up” the faith, that I was still Muslim deep down*.

For those reasons I consider MY WHOLE FAMILY as bad as mum, and I unapologetically hate her and have no desire to reconcile. Ever.

* On a slight tangent, people who’ve never met me greet me with “as-salamu ‘alaykum”. Even my gf agrees I “look like a Muslim”, and it’s not just the beard! Shite!

This is why I have huge reservations about parenthood. I don’t want this shit to be epigenetically passed on to the next generation, or to accidentally project any lurking insecurity onto them. Not to mention I resolutely refuse to have children in a ‘white’-majority country.

(Please see my poem Fifty Percent)

I was never unwilling to accept, but now I’ve experienced first-hand, that:

In some cases, parental love is conditional and temporary. Not all parents love their children or wish them happiness and success. I know this doesn’t refer to all parents (otherwise we’d all be screwed!!!), and I have friends with very supportive parents/ families. I also acknowledge that my situation is not unique, as being made homeless is a surprisingly common theme among ex-Muslims.

This makes sense considering Muslims are taught that love of Allah and his prophet (not prophets?) takes priority over EVERYTHING else – including family. Muhammad directly said no-one’s a true believer until s/he loves him more than their family. Flick through the ahadiyth and you’ll see a lot of his followers greeting him with “May my father and mother be sacrificed for you.” The Qur’an (64:15) says “Your wealth & your children are only a fitnah*, and Allah has with him a great reward.”

* can translate as trial, infatuation, tribulation, riot, enchantment, persecution, test, temptation or civil strife. Take your pick.

It is 100% true also that under the shariy’ah, murtadduwn are to be killed. If England were a Muslim-ruled country, I would have been slaughtered.

(In case anyone’s under any illusions, ex-Muslims do get physically attacked and killed right here in England too. I was just stupidly lucky.)


I write this fully aware that my mum sometimes reads this blog (remember she no longer gives a shit about my privacy). But it is an important story to tell. I originally wanted to keep it firmly in my past, but it has made me who I am today.

I am free of the burden of my family’s secretiveness!

I am spatially distinct from the filth of Abrahamic monotheism!

I am on my way to bigger and better things with my creativity and destiny!

I am several steps closer to leaving this shithole country for good!

I like being alive!!!


Been a while since I worked on this post series. Please forgive me!

And let’s return… Continue reading MORE PROPERLY CALLED SLAVES, PART 16

Observations on London

Not very often so I do pieces like this, but it’s helpful to document it.


To be sure, I’ve never liked living in London, or anywhere in England. There has not been a single point in living memory where I felt happy at being English. Yes I was born here. However, over the past 2 years or so a few things are deepening my dislike even more:

  • I’d never had the time to see all of London when I was younger. Now I’ve been to a good variety of parts: north, east, south, west & central. Apart from relative numbers of ethnic demographics, it looks the fucking same everywhere. Shops, flats, office blocks and little flecks of greenery to break up the grey, plus the occasional half-decent looking houses (only in north & west).
  • The sheer number of shops (supermarkets & off-licences) is pointless. The people who run London obviously see it as nothing but a hive of consumers, which to be honest is how most people here are.
  • There are homeless people all over the gaff! Doesn’t matter which part of it you go, you can see rough sleepers everywhere – even in the middle of the day on busy pavements and even right outside shop entrances!
  • Things are done so ass-backwards it’s not even funny. Example: Tottenham Court Road (an underground station in central London) has just been renovated after ages. It’s a huge station – and totally inaccessible to people with mobility problems. There’s enough space to fit at least 4 or 5 lifts, but is there even 1? No! Another example is the buildings; rather than renovate old buildings and save money they demolish them and rebuild from scratch! English builders used to be ridiculously slow (so slow Malaysia refuses to hire them), but over the past few years there’s been a construction frenzy! Why? Couldn’t tell you.
  • Even we hate our daytime TV channels and sitcoms. American ones are much better. Doesn’t affect me as I stopped watching TV ages ago, but I hear the same fuckery as before. EastEnders, Coronation Street, X Factor, Big Brother, I’m a Celebrity Get Me out of Here… all total dogshit. And the magazines all gossip about the same crap: which celebs are marrying/ banging/ divorcing/ losing weight/ gaining weight/ pregnant/ anything else normal people somehow can’t do.
  • London is racially segregated, not by “No blacks, no Irish, no dogs” type racism (anymore) but by ‘white’ flight. That’s why south & east London are so ‘black’/ ‘brown’/‘grey’ while north & west are so ‘white’. Central London is the exception; it’s basically just a place to work and visit so everyone is welcome. The parts outside London are even more ‘white’. But even in east,  central & south don’t be fooled into thinking racism doesn’t exist. I know a shop in east London that tries to exclude ‘black’ customers. How do I know this? Members of one of my writing groups have been there and said the exact same thing, and every time I’ve walked past I’ve not seen a single non-‘white’ customer. Literally not one.
  • On the topic of racism, it’s almost never open but hidden in broad daylight. Examples:
  1. In football posters on betting shop windows or pubs, whenever a ‘black’ player is shown he’s ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS shown open-mouthed*. Why? To imply a visual similarity to apes methinks,
    to add to Observations on London post
    * (latest example)

    * (and another)
  2. On TV ads, not always but too often to ignore, when a ‘black’ person is shown her/his back is turned so viewers can’t get a clear look at their face,
  3. Sasians – I mean the young ‘uns born and raised here as well as the elders – will avoid physical contact with other Sasians who look like they could be descendants of Shudras (menial labourers) or Avarnas (untouchables). By “look like”, I mean significantly darker-skinned than themselves. Obviously a remnant of their 3500 years of Hindu culture, even if they’re Muslim/ Sikh/ Buddhist now. What, you didn’t think I’d only mention ‘white’ racism did you?
  4. Jewish children staring at ‘black’ people as they walk past them. Oddly, I find it’s only the children who do that not the adults,
  5. NWA. Explanation not needed,
  6. By extension, youth of all backgrounds feeling it’s alright to refer to themselves & their mates as “nigger” (spelling makes no difference, it’s the same fucking word).
  • The youth of all colours are very disillusioned, they’re not domesticated like older generations. The government can’t fool them because no-one gives a shit what they say anymore, so the media steps in. That’s why everyone jabbers on about programmes like Eastenders, Corrie (Coronation Street for my American viewers),  and Big Brother, or celebs like Tinie Tempah, Jessie J, Nicki Minaj, etc.
Shoot me now.
  • Of course economy just means money travelling in a circle in society, and becoming rich = keeping more money for oneself therefore stopping it circulating. That’s what the government does, in many different ways: raising taxes, cutting benefits, increasing transport prices. The newest trick I’ve noticed is the increase in zero-hour jobs, where people are technically employed (hence the claim that there are more jobs than ever before) but have no guaranteed number of hours therefore no guaranteed pay. Also interesting is the simultaneous increase in companies that demand people to pay to become employees (e.g. Saladmaster, ACN). What the fuck kind of job is that, that asks employees to pay them?!?
  • England is officially the most CCTV’ed country on Earth! I’ll be honest, that came as a surprise to me. I thought it’d be America but no! Check here, here, herehere and anywhere else on Google for proof! Why does a dege-dege island with only 1% of the world’s population need so much surveillance?!? My guess is it’s another manifestation of xenophobia & fear of revenge from people England has wronged in the past.
  • The education system is bollocks. All the way from primary to sixth form/ college, we’re taught academic achievement is the be-all & end-all of success. We’re taught to just remember predestined answers & facts and that’s it. Then we hit university or the workplace, all of a sudden we have to think for ourselves! So in the most impressionable years of our lives we’re taught originality is bad (even getting punished for it), then it becomes the only way to get ahead?!?

  • I’ve recently become much more clued-up about how home ownership works, and I am increasingly convinced that England (especially London) is a tourist attraction not a place to live. The fact that tenancies can last as little as 6 months was the kicker. In places like Germany, that doesn’t exist. How can you expect someone to inhabit a place for only 6 to 12 months then just up and move elsewhere, especially if they’re on low income/ disabled/ parents?


  • Since the end of last year I’ve noticed loads of adverts for a company called Nobody’s Child. It only has pics of a really slim girl, maybe 12yo or so. At the same time there’s been a massive increase in the number of ads with child models, including a lot of little girls wearing adult-style clothes & make-up. I don’t business what fashion companies wanna say, I reckon they’re promoting paedophilia.
  • Talking about children, post code wars. What the fuck? Kids stabbing one another on road just ’cause they live in different boroughs?!?!? Evidence that there really is a kind of “yob culture”.
  • Oh, and two huge gripes I have with the ground I walk on…

(just as likely to be from a human as from a dog)

English Society 2015

Triple decker buggies take up half a double decker bus

Muddas and pickney-dem, colourful as Notting Hill carnival

Trundling down a grey grey street

Concrete clouds spitting tears of boredom

Upon rooftops and trains

Updated to look and work exactly the same,

Veteran thugs fearing young gangs of one.

Big Brother and Big Daddy telescopically spying on

Every microscopic detail of our lives:

The alcoholic jingoism we threw up last weekend,

The turd we dropped on an unknown neighbour’s doorstep

And blamed on the dog,

The squatters we made homeless

While fretting we’re only one missed rent away from joining them,

The policewoman we didn’t really mind getting arrested by,

The places of worship we grasshoppered to and fro from

Because the devotees’ attitudes gave sin a good name,

The number of letters our votes had to be changed by

‘Til they spelt T-O-R-I-E-S.

Next year is more promising

But will it deliver?

© One Tawny Stranger, June 2015

Doctor’s Notes

Subject name: England

Place of origin: island nation just west of Far West Asia (a.k.a. Europe)

Language: English

Diagnosis: severe attitude problem, specifically pessimism, alcoholism and moral superiority (self-proclaimed)


  • MORAL SUPERIORITY caused by centuries of ruling much of the known world, creating the trans-Atlantic slave trade in the Americas being the most significant example. Genocidal violence in the Americas, Australia, India, Kenya, South Africa and elsewhere excused, justified and handsomely rewarded, leading to severe emotional retardation. Modern symptoms include claiming foreigners should “go back to their countries,” upholding the current school curriculum (even while acknowledging its incurable failures), excitement at the Queen despite her figurehead status, passivity at the government’s unjust laws, pre-eminence of the English passport all over the world, and deeming itself synonymous with Great Britain/ United Kingdom.
  • PESSIMISM caused by role-playing as the world’s saviour and subsequent disillusionment when resisted. Also caused by its religious history, especially its many Puritan businessmen and leaders – one of whom successfully banned football – but also includes burning “witches” alive at the stake and believing children to be full of sin. Modern symptoms include using optimism as an insult and … Nowadays exacerbated by media fears of benefit thieves, the homeless, riots, immigrants, terrorists, teen parents, loss of English identity & values, and the weather.
  • ALCOHOLISM (probably) caused by Germanic heritage, in which it was normal to spend days on end drinking and not working. Modern symptoms include alcohol as the primary means of socialising otherwise people tend to remain distant, drink driving correlated with increased risk of road accidents and deaths, and having poor to no recollection of their actions when sober.

Medicine: rid England of its attitude problem.

Means to administer medicine: (doctor requires more time to decide, probably a few centuries)