Theological Musings part 3 – SECOND KUFR ANNIVERSARY!!!

Now makes exactly two years since I left Islam. And I’m still all the better for it!

This post will be in two sections: an inventory of things Islam had done for me (I’ll let you decide what’s positive & negative), and an update on my current beliefs about divinity, morality, existence, etc.

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WHAT DID LIFE AS A MUSLIM GIVE & TEACH ME?

• Absolute faith that my religion was right, unending doubt over if I was following it properly or not
• Confusion over whether humans really have free will or not
• Definitive answer to the Problem of Evil (only after I’d finally resolved the free will issue!)
• Daily moderate exercise, i.e. the 5 daily prayers

• Sleep deprivation!!! (due to waking up for fajr most mornings, and in Ramadan waking up for suhr + fajr, then staying up for ‘isha + tarawiyh – especially bad when Ramadan’s in summer because night hours are shorter)
• Decent sense of time without a watch/ clock
• Guilt at my own emotions, especially lust – to the point that I lived in the fear of becoming a rapist
• Fear of my own emotions, especially lust and anger
• Patience, a.k.a. absence of ways to stand up for myself against verbal bullying
• Selective critical thinking
• Refusal to even attempt recreational drugs of any kind, legal & illegal
• Prioritising the akhirah (hereafter) over the dunya (worldly life)
• Disinterest in the dunya, resulting in dreading adulthood as I didn’t know what to do with it

(can’t blame that completely on Islam; also due to typical upbringing as a creative. Great talent, discouraged by mum from taking it seriously ’cause it “can’t be a proper job”)

• Idealised understanding of Islamic history
• Lack of understanding of personal history (because, similar to Khalid Yasin’s opinion of Malcolm X, I thought anything outside Islam was irrelevant)

I swear by Allahu ta’ala, to this day I maintain that Malcolm X’s existence only mattered once he became El-Hajj Malik El-Shabazz!

• Belief that all forms of sexual expression, contact & intercourse outside of heterosexual marriage were wrong
• Subsequent failure to acknowledge how attractive girls can find me (admittedly still affects me)
• Constant grappling with the issue of how Allah communicates to people, or why certain people are selected for prophethood and not others regardless of iman (faith)

Oi Moshe (Moses)! I don’t talk to humans, OK? Except you.

• Effectively self-hatred (though I’d have disagreed at the time), since in Islam everything good you do originated from Allah & everything bad you do originated from you
• Guilt that every sin I commit, even if accidental, could have me sent straight to jahannam (Hell)
• Selective loyalty to family, lack of concern over having very few friends
• Acceptance that I’m not normal
• “Love what Allah and His messenger love, hate what Allah and His messenger hate”
• Belief in beings I couldn’t empirically verify for myself, i.e. jinn & angels
• No fear of death
• No satisfying answer to the question “Why is suicide wrong?”
• Don’t accept when people tell you about “knowing too much”, “too many questions”, that kind of shit. Find out for yourself
• Constant arguments with other Muslims over being in one of the 4 schools of thought (I was in none; to me they were equivalent to sects and Allah said “Do not divide your religion”)

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WHAT IS LIFE AS A MURTADD/ KAFIR GIVING & TEACHING ME?

• Happiness is the most important goal in life. I reckon Epicurus was on the right lines on how to attain it (though his book is fucking long & boring!!!)
• All religions are ritualised attempts to meet that goal. Not necessarily a bad thing, as long as we remember that’s all they are and we’re smart enough to accept they work for some and not for others. Unfortunately most religionists aren’t
• To disbelieve in Divinity just because of the existence of evil & suffering is a cop-out. Divinity is not responsible for evil & suffering, WE ARE! It’s our shit so we clean it up! To be honest I made this conclusion when I was a Muslim but out of my own thinking not from Islam
• Without exception all religions are a mix of good and shit in differing proportions

• In the words of Agent Six from Generator Rex, “Know what you want and make it happen. No excuses.”

(taking his own advice, if you know what I’m saying)

• Prioritise this life over any life after death. We know this exists, we can only believe in the hereafter unless & until it happens. If it happens deal with it then. Besides, if the Abrahamic faiths are right, our conduct in this life determines our place in the hereafter so this is still more important
• Total certainty that we have free will and are therefore co-creators of our own destiny. I say co-creators because other factors influence our destiny as well, e.g. upbringing, language, education, time & place, bodily health/ disability. Predetermination only sets a likely range of paths based on destinies created beforehand, it doesn’t exclude the possibility of new destinies
• I have the right to address the divinity in any way I want. If I want to be grateful for something I’m happy about, I can. If I want to be effing & blinding ’cause I don’t like something that just happened to me, I can. Yes, I’m saying it’s alright to swear at ‘God’. It’s alright, It can take it
• Just like religion, gender roles are inventions of human societies. They’re subject to change and can be adopted as-is, inverted, reinvented or ignored as and when it suits an individual
• Gratitude that I’m not normal
• Progress only gets made through bold actions. Any mistakes that happen therefrom will be rectified by more bold actions
• Decisions don’t have to be made with full knowledge. They don’t have to be exactly “the right decision” either. Information can be gathered along the way, and decisions can be changed along the way
• Law of Attraction
• Islam is an inherently anti-racist religion. However, that hasn’t stopped Muslims being racist, in the past or now. Even Muhammad’s own grandkids were racially abused for being pure ‘black’ Arabs as opposed to ‘white’ Turks!
• Regarding sex, mutual pleasure is more important than procreation. If a couple has children via unhappy intercourse, those children likely won’t grow up emotionally functional

Looks like mummy and daddy loved each other 6x very much!!!

• Justice is spelt R-E-V-E-N-G-E. Revenge is spelt J-U-S-T-I-C-E.
• Human understanding of divinity is heavily influenced by major historical events, but most especially by our own desires and psychological need for love & protection. There’s also the fact that we ‘need’ to see it as like us. That’s why all religions’ gods have human features like eyes, hands, feet, mouth, etc.
• Ieshua (Jesus) was a bog-standard normal man. Nothing more, nothing less. Same with all other so-called prophets and demi-gods
• Heaven & paradise are two different things. Heaven is the sky and outer space, paradise is the way Earth was and is meant to be

A salt lake in Ethiopia, example of Paradise

Theological Musings part 2 – Post-apostasy

…Then I stopped being Muslim.

No wait, not yet I didn’t! I had certain experiences that caused me to re-examine my understanding of spiritual matters. One of the most prominent was one that I still remember to this day:

I was going home from school, walking past Pymmes Park when I looked up at the sky. For a split second I saw a face. The face was a woman’s, literally black skinned, bald, and smiling at me. She didn’t look like anyone I knew at the time.

(and admittedly she was hot! LOL)

Just the face, just the face, just the face, just the face…

Then I ignored it and carried on walking. It was just a figment of my imagination… except it was unbidden. I hadn’t been thinking about women beforehand, I just looked up and saw it as easily as I would’ve seen a cloud had any been there. For years I didn’t think about it again.

Another experience was a bit more recognisable to other people. Years before the one above, I was walking home from school (again) and it was snowing. It had been snowing for a fair few hours so the snow had settled. When I turned onto my road I looked at the settled snow and WHOA! The road was covered in a few inches of snow, and it was completely undisturbed! No footprints, no tyre tracks, no fallen leaves or branches, no other people or animals around, nothing! And it was still snowing so It was beautiful, and I was suddenly really happy!

Some time after that, round about the age of 16, I’d finally worked out the secret to happiness: don’t express strong emotions! In my head (and on paper) I’d grouped emotions into good and bad. Good ones were Calm, Joy & Love; bad ones were Anger, Fear & Grief. I’d found a website (radically reworked from when I first saw it) that explained Islam in a new way, a way that incorporated scientific understanding and I loved it! It only relied on the Qur’ān for guidance not the ahādiyth (nowadays known as the Qur’āniyyah or Qur’ān-alone movement*). I’d heard of and read works from Adnan Oktar (pen name: Harun Yahya), Tariq Ramadan, Khalid Yasin and others, but this website was really clear.

Islam really was the truth after all!

Allahu akbar!

* You’d think other Muslims would be all good with that but HELL NO! There are tons of detractors calling them Satanic, innovators, anti-sunnah, etc. Even following the Islamic line of thought that was backward thinking; so the ahādiyth (which were made up from the minds of men) are as essential to Islam as the Qur’ān (the “direct words of Allah Himself”)? Did Muhammad rely on al-Bukhari, at-Tirmidhi, Muslim or al-Muwatta to explain the revelation, or did he forbid his followers from writing anything from him except the Qur’an? Relying on ahādiyth seems like borderline shirk to me. 

Astagfirullah wa a’uwdhu billah wa lā hawla wa lā quwwata illā billah!

In my early 20s I also read Julia Cameron’s The Artist’s Way. I used it as a guide for my creativity, because like most creatives I’d been stifled, convinced that writing could only ever be a hobby at best. This book taught me to not just indulge in my creativity, but to see it as a way of life and source of energy that would guide me to whatever I wanted in life. Basically the Law of Attraction, but with real-life examples and techniques I could actually use in my ordinary life.

And I’d had many other such experiences, both entrenched in and independent of Islamic influence. Mostly they involved visions, visualisations, dreams (that made bloody sense to me for once!) and new life experiences.

Suffice it to say, the most defining one so far is my choice to apostatise. That came about through looking back on my life up to that point (mid-September 2013, 1 year & 10 months ago now) and realising that ultimately Islam didn’t help me. It held me back in areas of my life that would’ve made me a better person, and other reasons in the link below.

What do I think of spiritual stuff now? This is what I said in The Big News:

• Monotheistic, still deciding what to call ‘God’ (Allah, Yahweh & God all have an anthropomorphic slant, but I believe It is not human or like any biological organism, and is definitely not male or female)
• Trusting of emotions as well as rationality, subjectivity and objectivity
• Understanding the importance of self-esteem, sense of purpose and following my desires
• Trusting of my real-time experiences over pronouncements of ancient books
• Prioritising external material blessings over internal spiritual ones (not because I think it’s more important, but because I’ve been brought up to do the reverse so much I’m trying to balance it out)
• Situationist, fallible & liable to change without notice (which is a good thing; change is the foundation of reality. People who refuse to change refuse to improve, and people who refuse to improve are fucked)
• No longer feel guilty about swearing!

Update:

• I’ve decided what to call ‘God’. I call it Divinity or The Divinity – I know you can translate Allah this way but let me explain. Allah is contracted from al-ilāh, and ilah means god/ divinity. However, ilāh is specifically male/ masculine so al-ilāh (Allah) is referring to a male. How do I know this? Because it has a feminine/ female form – ilāhah. Remember Arabic has no neuter pronoun, so linguistically a deity has to be either male or female. However the word divinity is neuter; it can refer to a female, male or sexless being,
• Regarding the word god, it is usually used in reference to a humanoid being. In fact, if you look at mythologies all over the world that describe gods & goddesses, you’d swear they were talking about normal humans most of the time! They have parents, siblings and children; use weapons & tools; live in physical places; eat, drink & shag (especially Zeus); and even own pets and slaves! So now when I hear the word god or God I think of that,

You have a problem with my sexual escapades, mortal? Come talk to my lightning bolts!

• More than ever now I understand that physical and spiritual happiness cannot exist independently. They could very well be the same thing,
• There’s no difference between mind, soul, spirit or psyche. They are all different names for exactly the same thing. I’d come to this conclusion ages ago but forgot to mention it on this blog,
• Destiny/ fate is not just Divinity’s creation, we humans (I’d argue all living things) co-create it both for ourselves and for others. It’s true that we are largely responsible for our lives (karma, law of attraction, whatever) but not completely. Situations outside our control (aka. accidents) happen, and we are influenced by family/ friends/ environment/ culture, but it’s still within our control to change them. The more we practise manipulating our destinies by large-scale actions, the more luck we create for and attract to ourselves. Again I understood this years ago but forgot to mention it here,
• Angels and devils are nothing but figments of our imagination, HOWEVER this doesn’t make them non-existent. For some weird reason it makes sense to think of there being other spirits among/ within us, since the soul behaves like different beings at times. Devils are often scapegoats we use to avoid admitting we are evil at times. However, I like the Jewish understanding of Satan: he’s NOT the cause of evil, he’s doing what Yahweh told him to do – tempt us away from good. But it’s totally on our heads if we obey ’cause it was our job to fail! There’s a website which gives intriguing info on the history of spiritual beings but…

Oh wait, now I remember: angelsghosts.com.

• Before I believed sex was unnecessary for individual survival, only necessary for procreation. When doing it, though, it’s still important to make it pleasurable – especially for the woman since we men have done so much psychological damage to them. And the concept of spiritual sexuality always appealed to me. Now I see sexuality as a fundamental function of the soul even from before birth. Why? I don’t know, but it gives us energy, sharper senses, greater awareness of the immediate surroundings, greater impetus to think for ourselves, and PLEASURE!!! Also, whereas I used to think all sex outside of heterosexual marriage was wrong, I now think any sex is good as long as it’s between consenting adults (or coevals in the case of adolescents) who care about giving pleasure to the other party. Oh, and no STIs,
• In fact, now I believe that sexual pleasure is MUCH more important than procreation. A happy sex life makes a better example for children to follow when they grow up. And yes, children should be taught about sex young. Even Islam isn’t that prudish (even if muslims are). The argument that it’ll make them want to do it more is crap; I knew about sex since I was 8 but lost my virginity at 25. If children are taught how it works when young they won’t have to rely on porn for guidance, and if taught properly they’ll know how to avoid inflicting pain, unnecessary hurt feelings, unwanted pregnancies, STIs, etc,
• My stance on emotions is totally inverted. Now I think strong emotions that generate action are generally better than weak ones that inhibit action. I’ve reclassified Anger as good and Calm as bad. As I said in The Big News, I also believe “patience is not a virtue” and “good things come to those who don’t wait”. In fact, with my girlfriend I use a new stock phrase – “the power of impatience”!
• We humans share a lot more in common with animals than we like to think. In fact, we are just another species of animal. We have bodies as they do, and we have souls AS THEY DO (note: animal comes from anima/ animus, Latin for soul!),
• Strangely, despite the stereotype it seems humans are the most sex-crazed animals on Earth! As far as I know we’re the only animals whose sexual urges aren’t limited by time of year or availability of partners. We’re always at it and always thinking about it,

I dunno Tawny, I kinda like the stereotype…

PHUT PHUT PHUT PHUT… wait, what?

• I no longer feel obligated to respect any religion. In fact, I kinda see it as important to challenge people’s religiosity otherwise they typically don’t learn. Ironically, since quitting Islam I have become more interested in religious history!
• Still situationist, fallible & liable to change without notice.

(In case you’re wondering about the featured image of the dark-skinned Indian woman, that’s to symbolise my shift in focus from the spiritual/ conceptual to the physical.)

Poem: Too much diyn, too little dunya

Looking down on Earth as I wandered on the clouds

Yet forbidding myself the high of feeling proud

Not running the rat race of ordinary life

Never engaging too long with stresses and strife

Tredding the straight and narrow path of righteousness

Denying legitimacy to all the rest

Wealth? Unimportant! Fame? Just a fad

Friendship? Don’t need it! Back then I had

No interest in dunya, I was all about the diyn,

Probably the purest young Muslim you’ve ever seen

I loved the diyn and tolerated the dunya,

Sat on my ass memorising the “words of Allah”!

Didn’t fear disapproval from anyone else

But always felt guilty for just being myself

Just glancing a nice woman could make me a rapist!

Torn between guilt & shame – was I self-racist?

Our relationship with God is meant to be mixed

Between love, hope &… what, fear? Fuck that shit!

Scared of hell, scared of sin, always begging for pardon,

Viewing life as just a phase before I enter the Garden

No interest in dunya, I was all about the diyn,

Probably the purest young Muslim you’ve ever seen

I loved the diyn and tolerated the dunya,

Sat on my ass memorising the “words of Allah”!

Apparently loving the world and yourself is a sin

And don’t get me started on that bollocks about jinn

Quran says don’t worry, they’re no big deal

But Muslims are batshit terrified – for real!

These mullahs, shaykhs & ‘ālims don’t know fuck-all

Quran, ahādiyth, nothing else – I’m appalled

Prophet said this, prophet said that – change the recording

4 schools of thought? You mean 4 schools of boring!

No interest in dunya, I was all about the diyn,

Probably the purest young Muslim you’ve ever seen

I loved the diyn and tolerated the dunya,

Sat on my ass memorising the “words of Allah”!

Getting married – yes. Dating – blasphemy!

Keep your natural desires under lock and key!

Islām’s full of mixed signals. Check this:

Don’t like your life? Sabr, Allah willed this

Yet! Allah only wants to make things easy for you.

5 daily prayers and fasts are easy? Get a clue!

Why Muhammad and Ibrahim’s names in prayers? Dunno.

Isn’t Islām against blind following? Bloodclaat no!

No interest in dunya, I was all about the diyn,

Probably the purest young Muslim you’ve ever seen

I loved the diyn and tolerated the dunya,

Sat on my ass memorising the “words of Allah”!

At least once you must go to Saudi Arabia,

Not Ghana or Ethiopia, Egypt or Mauritania.

Only Muslim history matters, screw all the others

Despite the fact all humans are sisters and brothers!

The left hand’s unclean – yeah, when you wipe your ass with it

Bare handed. With paper & water where’s the harm in it?

That shows Islām isn’t against superstition

And most Muslims blindly follow blind tradition.

No interest in dunya, I was all about the diyn,

Probably the purest young Muslim you’ve ever seen

I loved the diyn and tolerated the dunya,

Sat on my ass memorising the “words of Allah”!

Ahādiyth were compiled by big-shot scholars,

More needless rules to wring our necks like collars.

Chronicling Muhammad’s life down to every detail,

The “perfect human” – good luck if you’re female!

The 4 schools explain all, we just need to obey.

Think for yourself? You’re not a scholar so NAY!

Come on Muslimiyn, give up that fuckery!

Grow the balls and the brains to forge your own destiny!

No interest in dunya, I was all about the diyn,

Probably the purest young Muslim you’ve ever seen

I loved the diyn and tolerated the dunya,

Sat on my ass memorising the “words of Allah”!

Don’t get me wrong, I still believe in miracles

But no supernatural shit, it’s all scientifical.

And no, that doesn’t kick the beauty or the wonder out.

In fact you might see it better when you stop being devout.

Souls only grow by making their own decisions.

Nothing wrong with cherry-picking & ad-libbing religions,

Chuck out old myths, stick with what’s tested and true.

What, only Allah has that right? Let him fucking sue!

No interest in dunya, I was all about the diyn,

Probably the purest young Muslim you’ve ever seen

I loved the diyn and tolerated the dunya,

Sat on my ass memorising the “words of Allah”!

But by embracing the dunya and abandoning the diyn,

I’m the spiritually healthiest I’ve ever been.

Making my own diyn that lets me get on in the dunya.

Praise be to us humans – Al-hamdu lina!

© One Tawny Stranger, June 2014